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  Matching Nonverbals

  For just a moment I’d like you to remember a time with a friend or family member when you really had a great time, a time worth remembering; when the two of you felt absolutely wonderful and you were in sync with each other and interacting in a way that was really uplifting to both of you.

  How come you two were each enjoying that moment so much? What were each of you doing that was making the experience fulfilling and fun? The simplest answer is that your verbal and non-verbal communications matched and your thoughts and mental images about what was happening were in agreement with the visual, auditory and feeling signals that you got from that other person.

  You thoroughly enjoyed the time because you felt alignment with that other person. Your models of a good time fit consciously and unconsciously. The rapport between the two of you is strong.

  I want you to also notice that the memory of this person is rich and vivid in details. Just think about it right now and remember the details. It’s still alive inside of your mind.

  You have multitudes of ideas, concepts, images, thoughts stored inside of your mind. You have thousands upon thousands of them stored inside there. The way you joke with others, for instance, may be hilarious to some people. It may be stupid to others. And to a few it would be as irritating as rubbing their body with sandpaper. You enjoy those times, those good times – the laughter, the fun, the excitement – because you fit together in a certain way.

  One Size Does Not Necessarily Fit All

  Comedy is not the same for everyone. The comedian Rodney Dangerfield, for example, for over 50 years his comedy style was to criticize other people.
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  That was how he did it, he would pick on people. Because of his facial expression and his tone of voice, his body language, the timing of his words and phrasing, he used to get away with his sarcastic put-downs.

  But for some people he pushed every button and irritated them hugely. Some people just absolutely could not stand the guy. Even just hearing his voice tones just made them crazy. He was criticized a lot.

  The majority of people though, did see him as caustic and witty. Yet he was very entertaining to the majority of people. He didn’t have to do his routine that way. He did many different things but he really found a style that worked for him, and he did it on purpose. And for the most part it worked for the majority of people.

  The Law of Requisite Variety

  There’s a mathematical principle called the Law of Requisite Variety. The Law of Requisite Variety says “the element in a system with the most options, or the most flexibility, will control the system”.

  For instance, think about a car. What is the most complex part of a car but is also the part of the car that is most likely to break down or have trouble first? It’s the engine. Why? The part of the machine with the most moving parts and the most complexity is the first and most likely place for it to break down. In the Law of Requisite Variety the element in the system with the most options or the most ways it can break down is the one that’s going to control the system.

  In a car that’s the engine. Though you can have a brake or transmission problem, the brakes and transmission are not as complex overall as is the engine and are less likely to give you problems initially because they have fewer ways they can break. Brakes and transmissions have fewer options as to how they can break.
• About the Author
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  For nearly thirty years Dr. Larry Iverson has educated, motivated and entertained audiences. From his work with Olympic and world-class athletes to the main platform of Fortune 500 conferences, Larry delivers persuasion and communication strategies you can apply right now. Larry blends vision with his background as a Clinical Psychologist in guiding you on an insightful journey, while you develop insights that assist your personal development. Larry masterfully uses enthusiasm and humor to help you gain control in your life.

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